Paramedic Applies Coffee IV After Particularly Brutal Night Shift

After responding to 23 calls in a single 12-hour overnight shift, paramedic veteran Mike "The Machine" Thompson was discovered in the ambulance bay attempting to start an IV line with what appeared to be cold brew coffee.

"The body can only absorb caffeine so fast through the digestive system," Thompson explained, his eye twitching rhythmically. "I'm just trying to optimize delivery methods. This is science."

Witnesses report Thompson had already consumed seven cups of station coffee, two energy drinks, and "something he bought from a gas station that was technically not approved for human consumption."

"We tried to stop him, but he moved too fast," said his partner, EMT Rodriguez. "I think the caffeine has given him superhuman reflexes. He restocked the entire ambulance in four minutes."

The medical director has scheduled a mandatory meeting about "creative medication administration" but admits she "kind of wants to see if it works first."