Local
Fire Department Ceremony Goes Exactly as Planned for Once
No calls, no equipment failures, no incidents during entire promotion event.
3 weeks ago
Chud Johnson News Staff
In what officials are calling "a statistical impossibility," the Centerville Fire Department's annual promotion ceremony proceeded without interruption, equipment failure, or medical emergencies for the first time in department history.
"I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop," Chief Patterson admitted, glancing nervously at his radio. "We got through three promotions, two retirements, and a commendation without a single page. That's never happened. I'm concerned."
The ceremony, held at City Hall, featured formal handshakes, photo opportunities, and speeches that ran exactly as long as scheduled. Family members were in attendance. The cake was cut without incident.
"At one point the radio crackled and everyone froze," reported newly promoted Captain Williams. "Turned out it was just someone checking in. The tension was incredible."
Longtime firefighters expressed suspicion about the smooth event. "In '97, the chief's retirement dinner was interrupted by a three-alarm fire," recalled veteran Miller. "In 2015, someone's badge caught fire during the pinning ceremony. We don't do peaceful events."
The department has scheduled a mandatory training drill for the following day, "just to balance things out."
"I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop," Chief Patterson admitted, glancing nervously at his radio. "We got through three promotions, two retirements, and a commendation without a single page. That's never happened. I'm concerned."
The ceremony, held at City Hall, featured formal handshakes, photo opportunities, and speeches that ran exactly as long as scheduled. Family members were in attendance. The cake was cut without incident.
"At one point the radio crackled and everyone froze," reported newly promoted Captain Williams. "Turned out it was just someone checking in. The tension was incredible."
Longtime firefighters expressed suspicion about the smooth event. "In '97, the chief's retirement dinner was interrupted by a three-alarm fire," recalled veteran Miller. "In 2015, someone's badge caught fire during the pinning ceremony. We don't do peaceful events."
The department has scheduled a mandatory training drill for the following day, "just to balance things out."
Disclaimer: This article is satire. All content is fictional and intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events or persons is purely coincidental and hilarious.