Opinion
EXCLUSIVE: B-Shift Claims They Actually Do Work, Provides No Evidence
In a press conference that raised more questions than answers, B-Shift representatives defended their honor.
3 weeks ago
Chud Johnson News Staff
Members of B-Shift held an unprecedented press conference Monday to address what they called "baseless accusations" that they spend their entire shift sleeping, watching TV, and leaving messes for C-Shift to clean up.
"We categorically deny these allegations," said B-Shift Captain Tom "Never Ran a Call" Williams, speaking from a suspiciously comfortable recliner. "B-Shift is the backbone of this department. We run calls. Lots of calls. The best calls."
When pressed for specific examples, Captain Williams gestured vaguely and mentioned "that one time" before trailing off and asking if anyone wanted to order pizza.
C-Shift representatives were unavailable for comment as they were too busy restocking the ambulance, cleaning the apparatus bay, and doing all the station chores that were mysteriously left undone.
A-Shift declined to get involved, stating they "have actual work to do."
"We categorically deny these allegations," said B-Shift Captain Tom "Never Ran a Call" Williams, speaking from a suspiciously comfortable recliner. "B-Shift is the backbone of this department. We run calls. Lots of calls. The best calls."
When pressed for specific examples, Captain Williams gestured vaguely and mentioned "that one time" before trailing off and asking if anyone wanted to order pizza.
C-Shift representatives were unavailable for comment as they were too busy restocking the ambulance, cleaning the apparatus bay, and doing all the station chores that were mysteriously left undone.
A-Shift declined to get involved, stating they "have actual work to do."
Disclaimer: This article is satire. All content is fictional and intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events or persons is purely coincidental and hilarious.