Local
Local Fire Chief Bans Word "Quiet" After 47th Consecutive Jinx This Month
Department implements strict vocabulary policy following "unprecedented streak of self-inflicted chaos."
3 weeks ago
Chud Johnson News Staff
Chief Barbara "Don't You Dare" Mitchell announced Tuesday that the word "quiet" has been officially banned from all fire station communications after probationary firefighter Kevin Matthews uttered the forbidden phrase 47 times this month, each instance immediately followed by a multi-alarm response.
"At 0800 hours, Probie Matthews commented on the 'nice quiet morning,'" the incident report reads. "By 0803 hours, we had three structure fires, a hazmat situation, and somehow a boat rescue despite being 200 miles from any significant body of water."
The new policy includes a comprehensive list of banned phrases including "slow day," "nothing going on," and "I bet we'll actually get to eat dinner tonight."
Matthews has been reassigned to bathroom cleaning duties indefinitely.
"At 0800 hours, Probie Matthews commented on the 'nice quiet morning,'" the incident report reads. "By 0803 hours, we had three structure fires, a hazmat situation, and somehow a boat rescue despite being 200 miles from any significant body of water."
The new policy includes a comprehensive list of banned phrases including "slow day," "nothing going on," and "I bet we'll actually get to eat dinner tonight."
Matthews has been reassigned to bathroom cleaning duties indefinitely.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. All content is fictional and intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events or persons is purely coincidental and hilarious.