Satire
Sovereign Citizen Declares Honda Civic 'Private Land Vessel,' Bills Cop $50K/Min at Arby's
A routine taillight stop turned into a 45-minute admiralty law seminar when 'Traveler: Dave of the Family Smith' demanded silver bullion for his French Dip rights. Officer Mike Reynolds emerged with a fee schedule in crayon and zero curly fries.
2 weeks ago
Chud Johnson News Staff
In a scene straight out of a probie’s worst nightmare training drill, Officer Mike Reynolds of the Anytown PD pulled over a 2007 Honda Civic for a flickering taillight at the local Arby's drive-thru. What started as a quick fix spiraled into jurisdictional chaos when the driver, identifying as 'Traveler: Dave of the Family Smith,' cracked his window exactly one millimeter and launched into a tirade on Maritime Admiralty Law. 'This is not a motor vehicle; it's a private land vessel conveying my corporeal flesh-body to sustenance,' Dave proclaimed, waving a stack of crayon-scribbled documents that included a homemade 'Sovereign Citizen ID' and a phone recording every syllable.
For 45 agonizing minutes, Reynolds stood there as Dave expounded on 'creating joinder' and non-commerce conveyance, all while the French Dip order grew cold behind him. The Civic's interior resembled a dispatch center exploded: legal dictionaries piled on the passenger seat, printed statutes spilling onto the floor, and a 'Fee Schedule' demanding $50,000 per minute for any 'violation of common law curly fry rights.' 'I've faced structure fires that wrapped quicker than this,' sighed Lieutenant Sarah Jenkins, Reynolds' shift supervisor, who monitored via radio. 'Dispatch was laughing so hard they almost forgot to log it.'
Chief Harlan 'Bulldog' Thompson reviewed the bodycam footage at the station, shaking his head. 'Mike's a veteran, but even he looked like a B-shift cookout gone wrong—spiritually defeated, head in hands. We had the probies timing it; bets were on whether he'd demand a fire hydrant affidavit next.' Remarkably, no EMS rollover was needed, though firefighters from nearby Station 7 rolled by for moral support, offering Dave a 'wet stuff on red stuff' waiver that he rejected as 'statutory fiction.'
The standoff ended when Dave handed over his masterpiece paperwork and rolled away toward glory—or at least lukewarm fries. Reynolds later quipped, 'Next time, I'm calling it in as a hazmat: toxic levels of red crayon.' Anytown PD reminds all travelers: taillights are non-negotiable, even on the high seas of fast food.
For 45 agonizing minutes, Reynolds stood there as Dave expounded on 'creating joinder' and non-commerce conveyance, all while the French Dip order grew cold behind him. The Civic's interior resembled a dispatch center exploded: legal dictionaries piled on the passenger seat, printed statutes spilling onto the floor, and a 'Fee Schedule' demanding $50,000 per minute for any 'violation of common law curly fry rights.' 'I've faced structure fires that wrapped quicker than this,' sighed Lieutenant Sarah Jenkins, Reynolds' shift supervisor, who monitored via radio. 'Dispatch was laughing so hard they almost forgot to log it.'
Chief Harlan 'Bulldog' Thompson reviewed the bodycam footage at the station, shaking his head. 'Mike's a veteran, but even he looked like a B-shift cookout gone wrong—spiritually defeated, head in hands. We had the probies timing it; bets were on whether he'd demand a fire hydrant affidavit next.' Remarkably, no EMS rollover was needed, though firefighters from nearby Station 7 rolled by for moral support, offering Dave a 'wet stuff on red stuff' waiver that he rejected as 'statutory fiction.'
The standoff ended when Dave handed over his masterpiece paperwork and rolled away toward glory—or at least lukewarm fries. Reynolds later quipped, 'Next time, I'm calling it in as a hazmat: toxic levels of red crayon.' Anytown PD reminds all travelers: taillights are non-negotiable, even on the high seas of fast food.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. All content is fictional and intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events or persons is purely coincidental and hilarious.