Satire
War Crimes Tribunal Storming Station 4 Over C-Shift's 'Hippity Hoppity' Lunch Heist
A simple fridge raid spirals into an international incident when C-Shift devours A-Shift's sacred meal prep, invoking ancient station bylaws. The Hague is en route as Chiefs deploy the big guns: extra paper towels.
2 weeks ago
Chud Johnson News Staff
STATION 4 BREAK ROOM — Tensions in the tri-county area reached a boiling point this morning after an A-Shift Engineer returned to duty only to find his clearly marked meal prep missing, sparking a geopolitical crisis that Battalion Chiefs are calling 'The Tupperware Incident.'
The conflict began at approximately 0700 hours during shift change. A-Shift Engineer Kyle “Carbs” Miller opened the station fridge expecting to find his glass container of chicken, broccoli, and misery. Instead, he found only a cold, empty void and the faint smell of betrayal. Sources confirm the container was secured with industry-standard Blue 2090 Painter’s Tape, explicitly labeled 'DO NOT EAT - KYLE' in Sharpie.
However, C-Shift personnel have officially claimed responsibility, citing the controversial maritime law of 'finders keepers.' “We acknowledge the presence of the blue tape,” said C-Shift Firefighter Brody 'The Disposal' Stevens, wiping a suspicious amount of teriyaki sauce from his mustache. “But under the Station Bylaws of 1998, specifically the Hippity Hoppity Clause, once the clock strikes midnight, that chicken becomes C-Shift property. It’s simple case law.”
Security footage recovered from the day room—which is being submitted to the Hague—shows a C-Shift firefighter scanning the shelves with what experts are calling “predatory intent.” From the fridge's chilly POV, the cool LED light bathes his mischievous face as he reaches straight for the camera, snagging the taped Pyrex with a smirk and muttering the fateful words: “Hippity hoppity, this is now C-Shift property.” He swings the door shut, plunging the scene into darkness amid a messy fridge of half-eaten yogurt cups and dubious leftovers.
“It’s a complete breakdown of the Geneva Convention,” shouted Engineer Miller, holding the empty space in the fridge where his lunch used to be. “We have rules! We have a social contract! You don’t touch a man’s glass Tupperware! That was a Pyrex, dammit! Do you know how much those lids cost?” Battalion Chief Harlan 'The Enforcer' Jenkins confirmed the tribunal's arrival: “We're talking sanctions. No more station pizza for C-Shift until this is resolved. And the probie’s scrubbing fridges for a month.” As diplomats circle the break room, one thing's clear: in the world of shift wars, the fridge is neutral territory—until it's not.
The conflict began at approximately 0700 hours during shift change. A-Shift Engineer Kyle “Carbs” Miller opened the station fridge expecting to find his glass container of chicken, broccoli, and misery. Instead, he found only a cold, empty void and the faint smell of betrayal. Sources confirm the container was secured with industry-standard Blue 2090 Painter’s Tape, explicitly labeled 'DO NOT EAT - KYLE' in Sharpie.
However, C-Shift personnel have officially claimed responsibility, citing the controversial maritime law of 'finders keepers.' “We acknowledge the presence of the blue tape,” said C-Shift Firefighter Brody 'The Disposal' Stevens, wiping a suspicious amount of teriyaki sauce from his mustache. “But under the Station Bylaws of 1998, specifically the Hippity Hoppity Clause, once the clock strikes midnight, that chicken becomes C-Shift property. It’s simple case law.”
Security footage recovered from the day room—which is being submitted to the Hague—shows a C-Shift firefighter scanning the shelves with what experts are calling “predatory intent.” From the fridge's chilly POV, the cool LED light bathes his mischievous face as he reaches straight for the camera, snagging the taped Pyrex with a smirk and muttering the fateful words: “Hippity hoppity, this is now C-Shift property.” He swings the door shut, plunging the scene into darkness amid a messy fridge of half-eaten yogurt cups and dubious leftovers.
“It’s a complete breakdown of the Geneva Convention,” shouted Engineer Miller, holding the empty space in the fridge where his lunch used to be. “We have rules! We have a social contract! You don’t touch a man’s glass Tupperware! That was a Pyrex, dammit! Do you know how much those lids cost?” Battalion Chief Harlan 'The Enforcer' Jenkins confirmed the tribunal's arrival: “We're talking sanctions. No more station pizza for C-Shift until this is resolved. And the probie’s scrubbing fridges for a month.” As diplomats circle the break room, one thing's clear: in the world of shift wars, the fridge is neutral territory—until it's not.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. All content is fictional and intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events or persons is purely coincidental and hilarious.