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Semi Truck Fire on I-95: Cargo Revealed to Be 10,000 Cases of Energy Drinks
Responding firefighters report feeling "unusually alert" after exposure.
3 weeks ago
Chud Johnson News Staff
A semi truck carrying approximately 10,000 cases of Monster Energy drinks caught fire on Interstate 95 early Thursday morning, creating what hazmat teams are calling "the most aggressively vibrating smoke plume in recorded history."
"When we arrived on scene, the smoke was a concerning shade of neon green," explained Captain Sarah Mitchell. "Three of my firefighters inhaled the fumes and immediately began doing crossword puzzles at superhuman speed."
The incident has been classified as a Level 2 Caffeine Event, requiring specialized decontamination procedures that mainly involve "sitting down and trying to breathe normally for like, an hour."
Drivers on I-95 reported feeling "unusually motivated" and "weirdly interested in extreme sports" after passing through the affected area. The DOT has issued an advisory warning against operating heavy machinery if you can "hear colors" or "see sounds."
Cleanup efforts are expected to take several days, or approximately 45 minutes if crews keep accidentally inhaling the runoff.
"When we arrived on scene, the smoke was a concerning shade of neon green," explained Captain Sarah Mitchell. "Three of my firefighters inhaled the fumes and immediately began doing crossword puzzles at superhuman speed."
The incident has been classified as a Level 2 Caffeine Event, requiring specialized decontamination procedures that mainly involve "sitting down and trying to breathe normally for like, an hour."
Drivers on I-95 reported feeling "unusually motivated" and "weirdly interested in extreme sports" after passing through the affected area. The DOT has issued an advisory warning against operating heavy machinery if you can "hear colors" or "see sounds."
Cleanup efforts are expected to take several days, or approximately 45 minutes if crews keep accidentally inhaling the runoff.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. All content is fictional and intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events or persons is purely coincidental and hilarious.