National
Study Confirms: 94% of Fire Station Coffee Could Double as Engine Degreaser
Groundbreaking research validates what firefighters have suspected for decades.
3 weeks ago
Chud Johnson News Staff
A peer-reviewed study published in the Journal of Emergency Services Gastroenterology has confirmed what firefighters have long suspected: the coffee brewed in fire stations across America meets or exceeds EPA standards for industrial solvent strength.
"We tested samples from 200 fire stations nationwide," explained lead researcher Dr. Maria Santos. "The average pH level was somewhere between battery acid and pure hatred. One sample from Station 47 actually dissolved our testing equipment."
The study found that fire station coffee is technically capable of:
- Removing 15-year-old grime from apparatus floors
- Stripping paint from walls
- Keeping firefighters awake through their fourth consecutive 48-hour shift
- Causing existential dread in laboratory mice
Despite the findings, 100% of surveyed firefighters stated they would "absolutely drink it anyway because C-Shift used all the good creamer again."
"We tested samples from 200 fire stations nationwide," explained lead researcher Dr. Maria Santos. "The average pH level was somewhere between battery acid and pure hatred. One sample from Station 47 actually dissolved our testing equipment."
The study found that fire station coffee is technically capable of:
- Removing 15-year-old grime from apparatus floors
- Stripping paint from walls
- Keeping firefighters awake through their fourth consecutive 48-hour shift
- Causing existential dread in laboratory mice
Despite the findings, 100% of surveyed firefighters stated they would "absolutely drink it anyway because C-Shift used all the good creamer again."
Disclaimer: This article is satire. All content is fictional and intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events or persons is purely coincidental and hilarious.