Tall Officer Reviews Department Laptop Purchase Decisions With Frustration

Officer Michael "Big Mike" Patterson, standing 6'5" and approximately the width of a standard doorframe, has formally requested the department reconsider its mobile computing solutions after spending eight years typing reports on a laptop that was clearly designed for much smaller humans.

"My fingers hit three keys at once," Patterson explained, demonstrating from the driver's seat of his cruiser where his knees were pressed against the dashboard. "The touchpad thinks I'm trying to zoom every time I move my hand. I've accidentally deleted four reports this month by existing."

The department's IT coordinator defended the equipment choice, noting that the laptops were "standard issue" and "work fine for most officers."

"Most officers aren't the size of a small building," Patterson responded. "I had to take the door off my locker. I can't fit in the break room when it's crowded. But sure, the laptop is where we draw the line."

Patterson has begun submitting reports written on regular paper, citing "ergonomic concerns" and "the touchpad moved again and now I'm on eBay somehow."