News Archive

Nutella Nightmare: 900lb Man Sinks in Mud Pit, 50 Chiefs Mobilize Epic Extraction

Petrina here live from the scene of the gnarliest rescue since the great spaghetti incident of '22. A 900-pound gentleman mistook a mud pit for a giant vat of Nutella, requiring eight engines, two trucks, and a chief parade to haul him out.

Firefighter B-Shift Chief +1 more

Breaking • 1 week ago

C-Shift Sets New Standard for "Aggressive Fire Attack" by Ventilating Neighbor’s House and Parking on Supply Line

A routine suburban "can job" devolves into a masterclass on how to violate every SOP in the book while looking confident doing it.

Breaking Structure Fire Firefighter

Breaking • 2 weeks ago

REPORT: Local Blaze Extinguished, But "The Boys" Are Still Fighting Alimony and CrossFit WODs at Job Town

Petrina braves the lingering smoke to bring you the real story: a volunteer’s Honda Civic heroics, a Chief’s search for his "good side," and one Salty Dog’s expensive quest for the American Dream.

Breaking Structure Fire Humor

Satire • 2 weeks ago

War Crimes Tribunal Storming Station 4 Over C-Shift's 'Hippity Hoppity' Lunch Heist

A simple fridge raid spirals into an international incident when C-Shift devours A-Shift's sacred meal prep, invoking ancient station bylaws. The Hague is en route as Chiefs deploy the big guns: extra paper towels.

Firefighter Station Life B-Shift +1 more

Breaking • 2 weeks ago

Four Lateral Transfers Hit Big FD: 'We Left Snoozetown for Real Calls!'

A quartet of wide-eyed laterals from Tinyville FD just landed at Metro Fire, boasting big skills from their sleepy old haunt. Spoiler: Their 'expertise' is turning heads—for all the wrong reasons.

Probie Station Life Firefighter +1 more

Satire • 2 weeks ago

Sovereign Citizen Declares Honda Civic 'Private Land Vessel,' Bills Cop $50K/Min at Arby's

A routine taillight stop turned into a 45-minute admiralty law seminar when 'Traveler: Dave of the Family Smith' demanded silver bullion for his French Dip rights. Officer Mike Reynolds emerged with a fee schedule in crayon and zero curly fries.

Police Dispatch B-Shift +1 more

Local • 3 weeks ago

Training Dummy Files Emotional Distress Lawsuit Against Fire Academy

Rescue Randy has reportedly "had enough" after 15 years of being dragged, dropped, and left in the rain.

Training Humor

Breaking • 3 weeks ago

BREAKING: Firefighter Discovers Thermal Imaging Camera Also Works on Cold Pizza

A stunning breakthrough in firehouse cuisine technology has rocked the emergency services world.

Firefighter Station Life Equipment +2 more

Local • 3 weeks ago

Local Fire Chief Bans Word "Quiet" After 47th Consecutive Jinx This Month

Department implements strict vocabulary policy following "unprecedented streak of self-inflicted chaos."

Probie Station Life Chief +1 more

Local • 3 weeks ago

Local Volunteer Fire Department Somehow Responds to Every Call

Scientists baffled by how 12 volunteers cover 24/7 response.

Firefighter Station Life

Breaking • 3 weeks ago

Semi Truck Fire on I-95: Cargo Revealed to Be 10,000 Cases of Energy Drinks

Responding firefighters report feeling "unusually alert" after exposure.

Breaking CJN Humor

Opinion • 3 weeks ago

Chud and Petrina Take Victory Lap After Award-Losing Broadcast

CJN team celebrates participation trophy in regional journalism competition.

CJN Humor

Popular Tags

Nutella Nightmare: 900lb Man Sinks in Mud Pit, 50 Chiefs Mobilize Epic Extraction

C-Shift Sets New Standard for "Aggressive Fire Attack" by Ventilating Neighbor’s House and Parking on Supply Line

REPORT: Local Blaze Extinguished, But "The Boys" Are Still Fighting Alimony and CrossFit WODs at Job Town

War Crimes Tribunal Storming Station 4 Over C-Shift's 'Hippity Hoppity' Lunch Heist

Four Lateral Transfers Hit Big FD: 'We Left Snoozetown for Real Calls!'

Sovereign Citizen Declares Honda Civic 'Private Land Vessel,' Bills Cop $50K/Min at Arby's

Training Dummy Files Emotional Distress Lawsuit Against Fire Academy

BREAKING: Firefighter Discovers Thermal Imaging Camera Also Works on Cold Pizza

Local Fire Chief Bans Word "Quiet" After 47th Consecutive Jinx This Month

Local Volunteer Fire Department Somehow Responds to Every Call

Semi Truck Fire on I-95: Cargo Revealed to Be 10,000 Cases of Energy Drinks

Chud and Petrina Take Victory Lap After Award-Losing Broadcast