Four Lateral Transfers Hit Big FD: 'We Left Snoozetown for Real Calls!'

METRO CITY – In a move that's got the B-Shift whispering, four lateral transfers from the ultra-slow Tinyville Volunteer Fire Department have joined the ranks of Metro Fire Department. These self-proclaimed call-running pros ditched their old gig—where 'busy' meant rescuing a cat from a dumpster twice a year—for the bright lights and non-stop action of the big city. Reporter Petrina Johnson calls them a bunch of slap-happy know-it-alls who are about to learn the hard way that volume means velocity.

Captain Rusty Bucket, station commander at Engine 69, watched the newbies arrive with their mismatched turnouts and a engine bay full of enthusiasm. 'They rolled up bragging about their 12 calls last year, like it was the Super Bowl,' Bucket chuckled. 'First shift, one of 'em tried to hook up the hydrant with a garden hose adapter. Said it worked fine back home. We hosed down the entire apparatus floor before lunch.' The laterals, dubbed the 'Tiny Titans' by probies, apparently mistook our Jaws of Life for a really big salad tongs during a demo.

Lieutenant Sally Sparks, who runs EMS ops, shared a gem from medical calls. 'These guys informed me their protocol for chest pain was to offer a lemonade stand coupon. Then one tried to intubate a mannequin with a turkey baster. From their vollie days, apparently.' Chief Harlan Hardhat shook his head during orientation: 'They think B-Shift drama is when the coffee pot breaks. Wait 'til they see us haze 'em with engine waxing marathons.'

Station Life is already legendary fodder. Probie Timmy 'Noob' Nolan reported the Titans attempted a structure fire drill by piling beanbag chairs into a 'burn pile.' 'They yelled "Charge the line!" but grabbed the shop vac instead,' Nolan said. Petrina Johnson predicts: 'Give it a month—these know-it-alls will be begging for Tinyville's slow roll back. Or at least a real probie peg.' Stay tuned as Metro FD turns transfers into team players, one absurd fail at a time.