Local
Veteran Firefighter Stares Into Distance, Contemplates 30 Years of "Character Building"
Sources say he's been standing there since someone mentioned the word "retirement."
4 weeks ago
Chud Johnson News Staff
Station 3's most senior firefighter, 54-year veteran Thomas "Grandpa" Miller, was found staring contemplatively into the middle distance Thursday, reportedly processing three decades of what the fire service calls "character building experiences."
"I asked him if he wanted coffee and he just... looked at me," reported rookie firefighter Chen. "Then he said 'I've seen things you people wouldn't believe' and went back to staring at the wall."
Witnesses report Miller muttered various phrases including "back in my day we didn't have SCBA," "that's not how you tie a bowline," and "you call that a fire?"
"Every few hours he chuckles to himself," said Captain Rodriguez. "We're not sure if he's remembering something funny or if he's finally snapped. Either way, we're giving him space."
Miller is expected to continue his contemplation until his retirement ceremony, at which point he will allegedly "tell some stories that will make the Chief's lawyers very nervous."
HR has preemptively scheduled a meeting.
"I asked him if he wanted coffee and he just... looked at me," reported rookie firefighter Chen. "Then he said 'I've seen things you people wouldn't believe' and went back to staring at the wall."
Witnesses report Miller muttered various phrases including "back in my day we didn't have SCBA," "that's not how you tie a bowline," and "you call that a fire?"
"Every few hours he chuckles to himself," said Captain Rodriguez. "We're not sure if he's remembering something funny or if he's finally snapped. Either way, we're giving him space."
Miller is expected to continue his contemplation until his retirement ceremony, at which point he will allegedly "tell some stories that will make the Chief's lawyers very nervous."
HR has preemptively scheduled a meeting.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. All content is fictional and intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events or persons is purely coincidental and hilarious.