News Archive

Nutella Nightmare: 900lb Man Sinks in Mud Pit, 50 Chiefs Mobilize Epic Extraction

Petrina here live from the scene of the gnarliest rescue since the great spaghetti incident of '22. A 900-pound gentleman mistook a mud pit for a giant vat of Nutella, requiring eight engines, two trucks, and a chief parade to haul him out.

Firefighter B-Shift Chief +1 more

Breaking • 2 weeks ago

REPORT: Local Blaze Extinguished, But "The Boys" Are Still Fighting Alimony and CrossFit WODs at Job Town

Petrina braves the lingering smoke to bring you the real story: a volunteer’s Honda Civic heroics, a Chief’s search for his "good side," and one Salty Dog’s expensive quest for the American Dream.

Breaking Structure Fire Humor

Satire • 2 weeks ago

War Crimes Tribunal Storming Station 4 Over C-Shift's 'Hippity Hoppity' Lunch Heist

A simple fridge raid spirals into an international incident when C-Shift devours A-Shift's sacred meal prep, invoking ancient station bylaws. The Hague is en route as Chiefs deploy the big guns: extra paper towels.

Firefighter Station Life B-Shift +1 more

Breaking • 2 weeks ago

Four Lateral Transfers Hit Big FD: 'We Left Snoozetown for Real Calls!'

A quartet of wide-eyed laterals from Tinyville FD just landed at Metro Fire, boasting big skills from their sleepy old haunt. Spoiler: Their 'expertise' is turning heads—for all the wrong reasons.

Probie Station Life Firefighter +1 more

Satire • 3 weeks ago

Sovereign Citizen Declares Honda Civic 'Private Land Vessel,' Bills Cop $50K/Min at Arby's

A routine taillight stop turned into a 45-minute admiralty law seminar when 'Traveler: Dave of the Family Smith' demanded silver bullion for his French Dip rights. Officer Mike Reynolds emerged with a fee schedule in crayon and zero curly fries.

Police Dispatch B-Shift +1 more