Local
New Probationary Firefighter Already Knows Everything, Reports Confirm
Fresh academy graduate reportedly has "nothing left to learn" after completing 16-week program.
3 weeks ago
Chud Johnson News Staff
Station 12 welcomed its newest probationary firefighter Monday, and within approximately 47 minutes, rookie Jake "Actually, I Think You'll Find" Morrison had established himself as the foremost expert on every aspect of firefighting, emergency medicine, and station operations.
"I learned a lot at the academy," Morrison explained to a group of 20-year veterans who had not asked. "Like, did you know you're supposed to put the wet stuff on the red stuff? I feel like a lot of you guys might not know that."
Captain Rodriguez, who has served for 28 years and survived three near-fatal incidents, nodded politely while Morrison explained the "proper" way to wear turnout gear.
"He corrected my hose lay technique," reported senior firefighter Williams, who literally wrote the department's training manual. "Then he suggested we're storing the ladders wrong. We've been storing them the same way since 1957."
Morrison is expected to learn humility sometime around his 400th call, or possibly never.
"I learned a lot at the academy," Morrison explained to a group of 20-year veterans who had not asked. "Like, did you know you're supposed to put the wet stuff on the red stuff? I feel like a lot of you guys might not know that."
Captain Rodriguez, who has served for 28 years and survived three near-fatal incidents, nodded politely while Morrison explained the "proper" way to wear turnout gear.
"He corrected my hose lay technique," reported senior firefighter Williams, who literally wrote the department's training manual. "Then he suggested we're storing the ladders wrong. We've been storing them the same way since 1957."
Morrison is expected to learn humility sometime around his 400th call, or possibly never.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. All content is fictional and intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events or persons is purely coincidental and hilarious.