Breaking
Historic Boston Bank Fire Destroys 150 Years of "Totally Legitimate" Records
Several people seem suspiciously relieved about the loss of historical documents.
1 month ago
Chud Johnson News Staff
A fire at the historic First Federal Bank building in downtown Boston has destroyed the structure's basement archive, which contained financial records dating back to 1873.
"It's a tremendous loss for local history," said Bank President William Sterling III, checking his watch. "Just... so sad. All those records. Gone forever. Nothing we can do about it now."
Investigators noted that the fire originated in the archive room itself and that several recently-installed smoke detectors had been "temporarily disabled for maintenance" that no one seems to have scheduled.
"Pure coincidence," Sterling added quickly. "Definitely not related to that audit that was starting next week. Which audit? There's an audit? I wasn't aware of any audit."
Fire Marshal Williams stated the investigation would be "very thorough" and that several individuals would be "very interested" to discuss the timeline of events.
"The fire suppression system in that room was state-of-the-art," Williams noted. "It's very interesting that it didn't activate. Very interesting indeed."
The bank has announced plans to rebuild, preferably without a basement.
"It's a tremendous loss for local history," said Bank President William Sterling III, checking his watch. "Just... so sad. All those records. Gone forever. Nothing we can do about it now."
Investigators noted that the fire originated in the archive room itself and that several recently-installed smoke detectors had been "temporarily disabled for maintenance" that no one seems to have scheduled.
"Pure coincidence," Sterling added quickly. "Definitely not related to that audit that was starting next week. Which audit? There's an audit? I wasn't aware of any audit."
Fire Marshal Williams stated the investigation would be "very thorough" and that several individuals would be "very interested" to discuss the timeline of events.
"The fire suppression system in that room was state-of-the-art," Williams noted. "It's very interesting that it didn't activate. Very interesting indeed."
The bank has announced plans to rebuild, preferably without a basement.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. All content is fictional and intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events or persons is purely coincidental and hilarious.